Last night I laid awake in bed trying to make sense of a disturbing situation I found myself in a week ago. I wanted to drop by an old friend’s home while I was visiting North Dakota. It’s been almost five years since I’ve seen this couple, but they were very dear to my heart and they played a pretty important role in my life when I was in high school. My mother had run into one of them and he extended an invitation for me to just drop on by when I was in town, so I did.

When she opened the door I almost didn’t recognize her. I thought that perhaps she had just slept in, and that was why she was in her bathrobe looking a bit disheveled. I didn’t care, I was just excited to see her. It took only a second or two to realize that was not what was going on. She rocked back and forth, nervously shifting her weight from side to side. She looked frightened, the way you would expect to see an hunted field mouse look when the hawks were circling above. She asked me to come back when her husband was home. When I asked when that would be she responded with a panicked, “I don’t know.”

I had heard that she had spent time in a hospital for depression shortly after I had graduated, but I never heard what the outcome was. I assumed all was well now, but it wasn’t even close. She looked like she had experienced a complete breakdown. The woman I knew wasn’t at the door. I don’t know where she was. I don’t even know if she recognized me. I wanted to reach out and hold her the way you would hold a frightened child, but I felt that my very presence was scaring the hell out of her. It was like the cat trying to comfort the canary, so I left.

I’ve only seen things like this in the movies. To see it in real life, in a person who I knew, shook me, and shook me hard.

I can’t help but wonder what happened and ask why. You can talk to me about chemical imbalances and personality disorders til you are blue in the face, but why? Why? How does a woman who was so full of love and joy and music just disappear? I can’t help but wonder if it could happen to me.

I’ve had anxiety issues for years, and mostly they are dealt with. Occasionally I have a mild panic attack, but things are basically under control. What happens if one day you have a panic attack and it just never stops? What happens when you simply stop thinking rational thoughts? How do you get out of there?

To my friend, wherever you are, I miss you.