Those first few years can be really rough on a person when she is trying to figure out how to live with this weirdo who isn’t quite the same person she married. There have been times in the past four years where I have quoted the saying, “Choose your love, then love your choice,” to myself every day. I don’t think anyone gets through marriage without realizing that the person they married isn’t perfect. It can be hard to see past the good when you are engaged; a few months later everything else comes into quick focus. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with this person. It means that he is human too. You married him because you saw the good that he had. It’s still there. If it helps, just remember you are probably driving him crazy too.
Another thing that has been interesting is trying to organize your life together. You make so many plans when you are first married. I remember sitting down with Chris a few months after we were married and making a timeline of when we would graduate college and when we would have our kids and how everything would work out. Not a thing from that timeline is even remotely accurate. Even the baby we were expecting came a month early! You don’t expect to have the challenges that will present themselves. Life can throw so much at you. It can be devastating to realize your limitations and irritating to be at the mercy of your spouse’s limitations in addition to yours. We have to constantly verbalize that we are on the same side, because most of the time you are frustrated with the circumstances, not the other person. And, most of the time, the other person doesn’t have much more control over it either. It can be easy to take that natural frustration out on the wrong person, or to take your spouse’s frustration personally.
One thing I wish I had known when I was newly married was how good marriage was going to be after a few years. Life is challenging, and marriage is work, but it is very much worth it. After four years, my husband is my best friend. I want to be with him, even though I am very aware of his flaws and things haven’t turned out as we planned. He knows me, understands my limitations and loves me anyway too. A person needs that kind of understanding and support to deal with everything life is going to throw at you. I’m so glad I have that, and I am happy for Jan and Ian too. Good luck. Just love each other. The other stuff works itself out.
