This really funny thing happened to me when I was expecting Maggie. I was about six months along, sitting in my closet folding some clothing when I sneezed and simultaneously wet my pants. It was only a little bit, but still, I just knelt there in shock thinking, “did I really just do that? Did that just happen?” After changing my pants I figured it was just a random thing, perhaps from the extreme strain on my bladder from kneeling down. That theory lasted about two hours until I did it again. I learned very quickly to cross my legs and hold it with all my might every time I felt a sneeze coming. In my hopeful naivete I assumed that this was just another weird but temporary byproduct of pregnancy.

Maggie is almost six months old, and while I can usually hold it when I sneeze or laugh, (ha-ha-ha-squirt!), I do have to exercise a great deal of caution when my bladder is on the full side. My friends with multiple children tell me this is quite common after you’ve had a few kids. They recommend Kegels, which I do, but it doesn’t seem to be helping very much. I am a little concerned that I would pee every time I sneeze if I had a third child. I imagine that a fourth would cause total incontinence, and I’d be doomed to adult diapers before my kids were potty trained. Not an appealing thought. Usually the goal is to not have more than one in diapers at a time right? I think I’d include myself in that count.

I think there is a reason why you only see beautiful women of a certain age advertising adult diapers. It’s because you are not supposed to have that problem unless you are old. It’s like osteoporosis or arthritis; it happens to young people- but it’s not supposed to, and when it does, they hush it all up. It’s an old lady illness, a sign of age. I’m a month older than Britney Spears. I should have rock hard abs and designer boobs, not adult diapers.

I tried to do a nice thing the other day. We were in line at Burger King and when the manager turned around I couldn’t help but notice that her shirt was tucked into her underwear. I am the kind of person who would like to be told when I am in an embarrassing way. Toilet paper stuck to my shoe? Half a salad in my teeth? Shirt tucked into my undies? I forgot to button my shirt up after feeding the baby? (Don’t laugh, it happens). Please, please let me know about it. Make the quiet humiliation end right then and there. Don’t let me run around for another six hours with my shirt unbuttoned and my chest hanging out for all to see, only to have me get home and wonder just how many people saw my rack today. As long as you are discreet and don’t specifically point and yell, “Oh my heck look at that psycho woman with her boobs hanging out! Check out those stretch marks!” I will be grateful.

Apparently this lady wasn’t. I quietly let her know about it and she let me know, very loudly, that she has a HUGE heinie and her shirts just don’t cover it so she has a wife beater on underneath. But, woman, your work shirt is tucked into the top of you grey Hanes Your Way panties. I tried to explain this, but she brushed me off carrying on about how massive her heinie was for all to hear. On the up side I did notice that she managed to yank her shirt out of her undies and cover her, um, huge heinie with it. I feel badly because I think she was embarrassed, but that was not my intention. She’s the one who started hollering about her big butt.

So what do you do? Tell the person or leave it be? Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have quietly snickered about it as I ate my whopper and onion rings? I’m really not sure.

I am heading to North Dakota tomorrow! We are going to get on a plane very early in the morning and see family just after lunch. I’m so excited! I haven’t been home for over a year, and there are many family members who still need to meet Maggie. I am so excited to show her off!

My little sister is getting married while I am there, so we are looking forward to that occasion. I also get to meet my future brother in-law for the first time, see if he passes inspection, and if he does administer the usual sisterly advice, such as “You break her heart, I break your legs.” Which I would. This “Ian” fellow seems pretty good so far. At any rate, my sister sounds happier than I’ve ever heard her before, so I’m thinking it’s a good thing. I can remember back to when I had that stupid “I’m in love” grin plastered on my face, and the world looked like a Karen Carpenter song with birds appearing and whatnot. It’s such a nice feeling. I’m so glad Jan found someone that she can have that with.

I scheduled my trip for two weeks so I could have a little one on one time with my sister before The Fiancé appears, fresh from England. (Did I mention she’s marrying a guy from the UK and moving there? She is so totally living out my fantasy! Why didn’t I get to do that?) However, after really thinking about it, oh my gosh, WHY oh why did I plan a two week vacation without my husband, and with two children? I hope I can survive the result of the temporary lapse into insanity I was experiencing when I purchased those tickets!

I think I am all packed and ready to go. I know I will have forgotten something, but as far as I can tell, all the really crucial stuff is packed. My bag of tricks is ready to keep the children happy on the plane. I have two blog entries ready to be automatically installed while I am traveling so that you guys won’t experience a two week dry spell. Aren’t I nice? I will have computer access on my trip, just not a lot of time, so I might not update as frequently as usual.

Now I just need to figure out how to haul two pounds of Tillamook cheese on the plane without it getting all warm and nasty. My gramma loves Tillamook cheese, but you can’t get it in North Dakota, so I grabbed a pound for her in the commissary today. Then I got into the check out line and realized that if I showed up in North Dakota with Tillamook cheese for Gramma and none for my mom, well, that could lead to being disinherited, so I ran back and grabbed another pound. It didn’t bug me at all that I had to go back, as they were passing out free samples of the cheese, and the lady was away from her little table, so I tried all the kinds just for fun. Yum yum.

If you happen to be in the San Francisco or Minneapolis airports tomorrow and see a crazy lady dragging two small children onto a plane, that’ll be me. Stop and say hi.

Is it any wonder I have to physically restrain myself from taking a bite of of her cheeks? I am so blessed.

Janine tagged me with this little meme, so here goes.

10 Things I've Never Done
1. Understood why golf is so exciting to some people.
2. Thrown up Chinese food, although I've been told it is a pretty horrible experience.
3. I've never been dumped.
4. Been able to look at a sunflower without feeling homesick for the fields in North Dakota.
5. Baked a loaf of bread successfully. It's always doughy in the middle with a stone crust. This is the one "homemaker" skill that I just can't do. Too bad, since I love fresh baked bread.
6. Thought I was good enough. I've thought I was good, but never good enough.
7. Passed an algebra class. I failed twice, with effort. Sad, but true. Remedial math and honors everything else. I'm weird like that.
8. Bungee jumped. It looks like a good way to give myself whiplash.
9. Screamed at an incompetant clerk in a store, although I've wanted to.
10. Finished watching Arsenic and Old Lace. Every time I rent it I fall asleep or get too busy to watch it before I return it. I've made it half way through at least three times.

I made Maggie a dress last week. Once again, no pattern. I eyeballed it, as usual. I did check out some patterns at the craft store, but at the prices they were asking I just didn't see how that was supposed to make sewing economical. Anyway, here it is, a dress of my own design, modeled by the lovely Margaret.

Jonas’ party was a huge success! Everything went well; the worst thing that happened was a spilled pitcher of invisible kool-aide. The kids behaved, shared remarkably well, and no one freaked out at gift time. I ran in circles for the first half an hour before I realized that everything was going splendidly and I really didn’t need to do anything. It was almost surreal.

We had fourteen of the kids show up, so it was a busy backyard, but with the pools, the bounce castle, and the food they were totally entertained. I ended up scrapping the bean bag toss and just handed the bean bags out to the kids to play with. They also loved the bouncy balls.

Jonas got some fun gifts. His favorites are definitely the Buzz Lightyear Rocket Tent from my in-laws and the train set from us. Last night we got a sitter and went out and when we came home we found Jonas fast asleep in his tent. When he woke up this morning he saw his train set and freaked out as if it were the first time he saw it! He spent at least three hours yesterday playing with it. I wonder if he thought it was just a dream?


Birthday Candles and Opening Gifts, You've got to love that look of total delight that comes with each present.

The Big Train Set with Cranky the Crane that was Begged for for Almost Six Months and The Bounce House

My Super-Cool Cupcakes and Check Out The Ham Hocks on that Baby!

I can see why though, those dumb paparazzi keep overexposing the kid's ears. I mean, c'mon, I'd be ticked off too.

Now for my big confession. When I woke up the morning of the party I was absolutely horrified to find a huge trail of ants marching up the side of the fridge to the platter of cupcakes. The platter wasn’t exactly crawling with them, but there were quite a few. I spent almost forty-five minutes removing the creepy crawly cupcake climbers as meticulously as I could. I really hope no one ate an ant. Needless to say, very few of my friends were informed of this.